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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Dickless Donovan's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
3:26 pm
Skullfucking a rotting corpse. Oh...the smells.....
Dear Diary-
So apparently there was some TSUNAMI in some fucking dipshitty assbackwards nation in Southeastern Asia. Like, one of those little shitholes that we invaded...or that the Chinese invaded, or something. Some place cheap shoes are strewn together by enslaved children and/or where middle-aged Western businessmen go for sex tour-type holidays. Like, Signapore or Thailand. I dunno. Some fucking place.
OK. Flash floods are dangerous and create havoc. People's homes get fucked up, children die, disease and looting/raping abounds. Got it. I don't want any more fucking links to video footage of cars floating down some Third World street, or some fucking child's lifeless body being swept away in the murky flood water to god-knows-where.
Jesus fucking Christ. 2 million people have been SLAUGHTERED (litterally) in Sudan over the past-oh, forget it. Send your stupid fucking Tsunami/mudslide mpegs.

Current Mood: exanimate
Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
3:26 pm
*Drum Roll* Tadaaaahhhh!
Here it is! My "Best of 2004" list. I know that you've all been chomping at the bit to see what records I've found to be most enjoyable this year. Well chomp no more.....
1. Burning Brides "Leave No Ashes" (V2)
2. Velvet Teen "Elysium" (Slow Dance)
3. Hot Snakes "Audit In Progress" (Swami)
4. Rilo Kiley "More Adventerous" (Brute/Beaute)
5. The Hives "Tyranasaurus Hives" (Interscope)
6. Don Byron "Ivey Divey" (Blue Note)
7. Murdock "Amplification" (The Local Cannery)
8. Nick Cave "Abbatoir Blues" (Anti)
9. Jimmy Eat World "Futures" (Interscope)
10. Green Day "American Idiot" (Reprise)
11. Tomasz Stanko Quartet "Suspended Night" (ECM)
Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
3:20 pm
Dear Diary-
There's trouble afoot. A quote from Lindsay Lohan from a recent interview with the AP, when asked about dressing 'too sexy' and her 'setting an example for young teen' sluts:

"But you also want to be appealing to guys and stuff, that's just something girls feel. It's hard."

I may be misreading/interpreting what she's saying here, but I think she's suggesting that young, teenage....fresh....tender....meaty.....girls give HANDJOBS instead of "putting out" completely. Yes, I agree that something HAS to be done in this country, as far as teenage pregnancy is concerned...but fucking christ, Lindsay! Handjobs almost ALWAYS lead to vaginal porking. Everybody knows that. Obviously, SOMEBODY'S still the big V. And it ain't me. I swear to god, I'm not. It's HER. SHE'S the virgin. Not me. No fucking way.

Current Mood: exanimate
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
12:41 pm
I'm a bit of a Foody.
Holy shit, man. Saw an ad for Carl's Jr's new thing, the Pastrami Six Dollar Burger. Or whatever it's called. Fucking mustard-smothered pastrami placed ATOP a fucking double cheeseburger. From where I'm sittin', this is the first sign of The Apocalypse.
I mean, I love me some meat (AND cock! In my mouth, even!), but jesus fucing christ, dude!

Current Mood: chipper
Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
10:23 am
Bort, bort, bort.
Dear Diary-
I know this girl. She lives in the Midwest. And I hear she smells like rancid beefgrease. I mean, I know that it's probably justa rumor...but if it's not, I pray that somebody gets her some help with that. Cuz people don't like to party with smelly people. Especially in the Midwest. As is my understanding of the people in that region. They tend to be VERRRY judgemental. From what I've gathered.
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
4:33 pm
I wish I wrote this. Cuz it's FUNNY.
"Man, I tell you, I don't know where the fucking time goes. Seems like just yesterday Janie was bawling a blue streak and shitting herself in the car. Now, she's looking forward to high school, and her snot-nosed younger brother just turned 10. Instead of whining about wanting a pony, they're begging for cell phones, clothes, video games—you name it. Jesus Christ. Kids grow the fuck up so fast these days.

For years, you're telling them, "Grow the fuck up," "Stop your goddamn crying," and "Be a fucking big girl and eat that shit your mom cooked." Then, all of a sudden, they're not whiny kids anymore, but good-for-nothing bitchy teens.

For years, you run your ass ragged telling your kids "No, you can't go to swimming lessons," "No, you're not going to get a clarinet," and "Just shut the fuck up about the after-school soccer team." There's never a moment's peace. They won't stop annoying you with stupid questions about why the sky is blue, or what trees eat to stay alive. Then one day the stupid questions stop, you look up, and they're glaring at you with their little zit-faces, refusing to say a word."

Being a parent is GOING TO BE fanTASTIC! Must...find...egg...donor.....
Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
4:27 pm
Originality....waning....I can see the light from here.....
Dear Diary-

I was down and in the dumps today.

(Awwwww!!!!!)

Yes, I know. And thank you for your sympathy, Blogman. Now listen up, fuckface. Thanksgiving is like tommorow, or something. And my pal is going to bring me some HoneyBaked Ham from the store so that I may enjoy a tasty Thanksgiving alone.

Well, not alone, alone. I will have two bottles of white wine to keep me company. But, still. I am stoked, now that I know what I will be eating, and knowing that it will be warm and tasty.

Which reminds me, I am nearly THREE inches of stretch-space (hurray for Palades!) away from giving myself a blowjob. I can't wait to finish in my own mouth. It's the little things. Reasons for living. No...not MY little thing. I meant "little things" as in...oh, forget it. I fucking hate you, Diary.

Current Mood: apathetic
Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
12:24 pm
Dear Diary-
Funnest weekend I've had in months. Thank god for bands, and for bands that tour, and for bands that rip and rock and aren't total pussies. Thank god for the LOCAL CANNERY. And also, thank god for drink tickets and bars that allow INDOOR SMOKING.
My personal drug treatment is NOT working. It's not my fault, though. Shit is BORING.
Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
12:02 pm
I'm a pink-o leftist politifag.
Despite my efforts to remain neutral (lazy and blind) during this Presidential election year, I'm fully back on the anti-Bush bandwagon for realz. Madeline Albright put things into perspective for me, in a very condensed but real way that I felt. In my soul and stuff. She was talking about George W. being a relatively unknown figure during and after the election of 2000...but he most definitely known now. And to re-elect the man would be to validate what's happened around the world over the past 4 years. So, um..yeah. I don't feel comfortable personally validating the actions of this administration, both to myself and to the rest of the world. That's it. I'm smart.
Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
1:55 pm
Gimme, gimme, GIMME!!?!
(AP) -- A new study says hundreds of thousands of college students who may be eligible for federal financial aid don't get it for a simple reason -- they don't apply.The study released Monday by the American Council on Education, which represents colleges and universities, says that half of the 8 million undergraduates enrolled in 1999-2000 at institutions participating in federal student aid programs did not complete the main federal aid application form.
Many were well off, and correctly assumed they wouldn't get aid. But the study found 1.7 million low- and moderate-income students also failed to fill out the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA).

Dude. I am SOOO going to grad school.
Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
10:06 am
Eskimo love....
Dear Journal-
I put in Hum's "Downward Is Heavenward" while I was going night-night. I love that fucking record. Have listened to it consistenly for....like seven years. A thousand times or more, I'm sure...and it still kicks my ass. Epic. Epic, I say!!!?! That is all.
Thursday, September 16th, 2004
3:41 pm
iAy, Dios Mio! iMami chulo con carne!
Soooooo, it's Mexican Independence Day today, I guess. Actually no. It IS. I know it is. And I'm going to swallow down my distaste for the generic stereotypical (normal) Mexican living in Los Angeles (babies, babies, babies) and celebrate their country's independence from those awful, awful Spaniards. Wait. Was the 16 de Septiembre celebration for fighting of the FRENCH? I forget. Regardless, I'm going to be a good community member and celebrate my Mexican brothers' and sisters' independent homeland while consuming a WET carnitas burrito from Casa Sanchez y muchos chips con mucho salsa caliente. Knock back a few cans of Tecate (the OFFICIAL cerveza de Mexico) and scream at the neighbourhood children en espanol.
I'm all about spreading the love, on special days like this one.
Thursday, September 9th, 2004
9:34 am
Friday, August 20th, 2004
1:40 pm
Yes, I'm a link fag. A sign of an uncreative mind. Yes, I know.
A renewed respect for weddings and marriage, as an institution. Ironic that this newfound appreciation comes inspired by a lesbian wedding, i think. I wanna get married!!!! Wait. Maybe I just want to be a lesbian.

http://www.goldengategarrison.com/gallery/calkinswed?page=1
Thursday, August 19th, 2004
10:55 am
Mmmmmm....
I was surfin' the Net for "Bear Pics" (wink, wink, nudge) when I cam across this guy:

http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/West/08/18/bear.beer.reut/index.html

This is the dude I want to hang with. Fuzzy fuck knows how to party.
Wednesday, August 18th, 2004
10:28 am
Teeheehee! Let's all pretend I wrote this.
"Okay, Gerald, I've heard about as much out of you as I can take. All I get from you lately is eye-rolling and swaggering, like you're too good for the mere mortals of Mercury Insurance.You act like you're doing us a favor just showing up. Who do you think you are—former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling?

Judging by your attitude alone, I'd say you were a 6'3", 250-pound linebacker out of Georgia Tech. Seriously, if I didn't know better, I'd think the Saints took you in the third round of the 1986 draft because they knew you'd improve their pass rush on the outside and complement little big man Sam Mills. Not so fast, touchdown. I do know better.

You sashay around the place like you're third on the New Orleans all-time sack list with 78. If someone says something you disagree with, you act for all the world like you averaged 11.5 sacks a year from 1987 to 1993. "What, me? I'm just Pat Swilling, 1989 NFL Defensive Player of the Year. I once held Georgia Tech's record for career sacks with 23." That's you.

Listen to me, Gerald. I'm not the only one who's had it with your Pat Swilling bullshit. People are talking—you know how many people want to work with someone who acts like he's a record-holder for career sacks? Zero.

Do you think posting above-average sales numbers for two months means you are a versatile, savvy defensive player with excellent lateral motion? It's a rhetorical question, Swilling—you don't need to answer it. I feel like I'm talking to someone whose football instincts let him perform effectively as both a linebacker and a defensive end, here. Jesus. You are not former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling, and it's high time you stopped leaning back in your chair and twirling your pen around during the Friday wrap-up meeting."
Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
2:48 pm
Score!!!!!
So, anywho. I was totally relaxing in bubblebath bubbles last night....had the fucking candles lit, the aromatic oil lamps a blazin'. I was absolutley maxin' and relaxin'. Sounds heavenly, right? All is well with the fucking world, the stereo's playing at perfect volume. Oh, yes. I was there.
So then the compact disc in the compact disc player starts to skip. Dun-dun-dun-dun-id-id-id-ub-ub....and I'm trying every mental exercise I know to block this shit out...but I just couldn't do it. So I get out of my little bubbly heaven, and walk over to the goddamned malfunctioning cd player...dripping soapy water all over the carpet. I reached down to punch said stero system in the face and then I see it....and the sight made me stop in my tracks. It was porno. Old porno, lost behind my dresser drawers. Needless to say, I hastily invited the neighbourhood children inside, for a good ol' fashioned "Lost Porno Found" reading circle. You ever have one of those?
Thursday, August 5th, 2004
10:15 am
Doioioioioing!!!
SOOOO glad to hear Fruity Nutcake the Rappin' Granny on the radio this morning. She's still tickin', at like....83 years old, or something...and she's STILL SPITTIN' mad granny flows. (Did that sound right? My urban slang is lacking, I know.) Usually I'd want her dead, being 80+ years old and living well beyond her natural expiration date, driving healthcare costs through the roof, aiding overpopulation, etc. But she's cool with me. Cuz she raps. And her name is Fruit Nutcake.
Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
4:26 pm
Because you're the size of THREE resonably fat fucks plus some, you whale-of-a-woman.
Desperate Diners Attack Trapped Fat Lady With Plastic Forks

A FAT WOMAN who got stuck in a restaurant doorway was prodded with forks wielded by her angry fellow diners.

Cops say the woman "squealed and suffered horribly" as a wild-eyed mob jabbed her and hurled cruel insults, including calling her names like "Miss Piggy" and "tub of lard" and taunting her with the childhood rhyme, "Fatty, fatty, two by four, can't get through the bathroom door . . ."

"This unfortunate woman was poked and stabbed at least 200 times and maybe even more," says a Chicago police spokesman, adding that he is both embarrassed and saddened by the insensitivity of his fellow Chicagoans.

"The forks were plastic," he says, "but they still managed to inflict a lot of damage. Doctors later told me the victim looked like a pincushion."

"Basically these people were upset that they couldn't use the rest rooms. The woman was trapped in a doorway that leads to both the men's and ladies' toilets."

The 647-pound woman -- whose name Weekly World News editors are withholding to spare her any further embarrassment -- "was in great distress before she was freed," notes the cop, who says the ugly incident unfolded in a popular barbecue restaurant known, ironically, for its Southern-style hospitality.

"The victim was squealing and crying in pain, not to mention being humiliated, when police and firefighters arrived to help her. They estimate that as many as 40 men and women had taken turns poking her with their forks."

Firefighters cut and pried the by-then exhausted woman free with saws, crowbars and the Jaws of Life, a special tool usually reserved for ripping open car doors to free passengers trapped in wreckage.

She was taken to a hospital where she was treated for puncture wounds, shock and dehydration. Getting through the restaurant's main door was no problem.

In the words of the police spokesman, "It was a double door."

The restaurant's manager says the doorway leading to the rest rooms was "normal size," but in a nod to political correctness after the fact, commented that the woman "had an alternative body image and unfortunately got wedged as she tried to go through."

Cops say her assailants will almost certainly face assault and battery charges after investigators pore over videotape taken from the restaurant's security cameras to help them identify everyone who participated in the bizarre attack.

"When I realized I was stuck I got scared and starting yelling, 'Help! Help me!' " the woman said in a brief interview attended by her attorney. "A server tried to push me through but she couldn't."

"Everything went downhill from there. A man started yelling at me to get out of the way so he could go to the bathroom. Then I heard a woman cursing at me and calling me names like 'fat a--' and 'Miss Piggy.' It was awful."

"And then I felt the forks. They poked me over and over and over and over again. I remember sobbing and yelling at them, 'Why are you doing this to me? Why? Why?'"
Wednesday, April 7th, 2004
10:30 am
Rad!
SHERMAN, Texas (AP) -- A jailed man accused of killing and cutting out the hearts of his son, estranged wife and her daughter plucked out his own eye and then quoted from the Bible, officials said Tuesday.

This guy has his priorities in order! Boy howdy! Wayyyyy cooler than that dumb broad who beat her three sons with a rock. This is the way to do it.
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